The Mexican Maid asked for a pay raise. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want more pay?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first eez that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban deed.”
Wife increasingly agitated: “Oh he did, did he?”
Maria: “The third reason is that I ama better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth asks, “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora, the gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
Some Things You Just Can’t Explain
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer, “Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?” The farmer shook his head and replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
The man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked.
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.
“So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in … Some things you just can’t explain.”
To Absent Brothers
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.’ The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together. ‘The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.’ The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. ‘Oh, no, ‘ he says, ‘Everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!
Two Drunk Fishermen
Two tourists fished in a lake for two days, without catching any fish.
The third day they both got drunk. About the middle of the morning they happened to run into a school of giant crappie, and caught the limit within a few minutes. The boys tried to figure out the best way to mark this fishing-hole, so that they could find it again. Finally they just cut a notch in the gunwale of the boat, and started to row back to the hotel.
Suddenly one cried out, “It won’t work! We’ll never find that place again!”
The other was indignant. “What do you mean, it won’t work?” he demanded. “All we got to do is fish under that mark I cut on the gunwale.”
His friend began to weep. “Don’t you realize,” he cried, “there ain’t one chance in 50 we’ll be able to rent that same boat tomorrow?”
Drink ‘Till She’s Cute’
A man stopped at his favorite watering hole after a hard days work to relax. He noticed a man next to him ordered a shot and a beer. The man drank the shot, chased it with the beer and then looked into his shirt pocket. This continued several times before the man’s curiosity got the best of him. He leaned over to the guy and said, “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your little ritual, why in the world do you look into your shirt pocket every time you drink your shot & beer”? The man replied, “There’s a picture of my wife in there, and when she starts lookin’ good, I’m headin’ home”!